the art of Living

Well I figure I could update this now.  What can I say about my second year at Vanguard thus far? I am at a new place, living with 3 other guys.  It’s alright so far, but comes with its challenges.  The place is nice, and its furnished to satisfaction.  It could use some more wall art though.  I will work on that this year. My friends and I went on a road trip last two weeks of August and I got some pretty great shots of Yosemite National Park, the Redwood Forest and the Grand Canyon.  Check them out here and here.  Maybe I’ll print one of those for my wall.   As for school, I think the classes will be good this year but I have yet to really get into a routine.  I actually feel like I’ve been constantly busy for the last month and a half of my life with no real break anywhere in between.  It’s really wearing on me and I do not think I will go on a trip last 2 weeks before school again.  I have much reading to do and cannot seem to focus.  This post is boring me… I’ll leave it at that for now.

since the end of school I haven’t been up to much.  I’ve done some work at the college for IT and stuff, but not much.  I went back to Calgary in May but other than that I’ve been ‘free’ and I’ve come to realize that having time off is not very effective if you have nothing planned.  I’ve rediscovered how unproductive I can be without any schedule to adhere to.  I now know that I need that structure in my life at this point and I’m okay with that.  Having a routine, as much as it does suck sometimes, helps me to be more effective with the time I do have left.  Although, I faintly recall being unproductive then as well because I felt so tired after work all the time… hmm.  Seems either way I have a problem.  I want to start being intentional with my time… and that is really hard for me to do. I mean really hard.  At least with a job though I feel like I’m doing something and progressing in some sort of way… good or bad.  I’m beginning to develop a plan for the future and I want to believe in that ‘dream’ so that I can begin to make sense of the day-by-day happenings and decisions that I make.  I think this all comes back to the eternal perspective we should all have.. thinking about more than just today.. the here and now.  Not worrying about the future, but focusing on the present while keeping the future in perspective.  For me anyways, thats the only way I’ll be able to bring myself to do anything that doesn’t have immediate results.

so the school year is done, and that is what I’m referring to here.  I’m actually kind of sad to see it go. On the one hand I’m glad because of all the papers and the reading and studying and testing that I went through and endured.  On the other though, I won’t get to see these great people everyday like I have been for the last 8 months… that makes me sad.  Without even realizing it my life is changing yet again and I’m feeling the tension.  I’m moving, my roommates are going back home, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing this summer, and I feel like I need a real break before the summer work/whatever begins.  Exciting and challenging times lay ahead of me, and I know I will need God to get through it all… so why am I not spending more time seeing what he has to say in all this? I’m not sure, perhaps I’m just too ‘busy’ worrying about life.. think I need to slow down here for a moment and just listen…

one month left. it’s hard to believe. it actually feels like a whole lot longer than a school year since i’ve been in edmonton.  i’ve made it my home, and am beginning to love it more and more.  once you get beyond the streets and drivers you begin to see the beauty that abounds here.  i’ve made good friends and will continue to make more, this is a good thing.  i’m learning of God’s love and his beauty.  this fact is the most amazing of all.  i am learning to trust him more and depend on him for life.  this is a hard thing.  it is also good though.  so i have a month left, and there is much left to do.  i am unmotivated much of the time but there is light at the end of the tunnel but also along the way and i will enjoy this journey.  the summer will bring new excitement and adventure and i am looking forward to it all.  so here it goes, one more month left in my first year. oh boy.

There is a love that steals my heart.
     A mystic whispering so faint
It knows my thoughts and sees my deeds
     yet still it remains close.
How can such love exist, such mercy
     and grace be given?
I am wretched, yet beautiful
     because of the One in who’s image I am made
and I will love, just as I have been
     Loved.

It was dark.  Nothing could be seen, not even my hand in front of my face.  This is what I found myself surrounded by when I awoke.  Where was I? And how did I end up here? I could recall nothing of the past. Nothing at all.  This was all so disorientating.  Do I get up? Do I just lie here, on the ground, and hope that something happens…eventually?  The darkness is cold.  It feels damp and unsettling.  There is no comfort found here, no sense of security.  I want to escape, but how? Which way do I run? There is no sense of direction. I start off in one direction and after a few strides I stop.. what was that? I thought I heard something in the distance.  It is an echo.  I run towards it, with all the strength I have in me.  It gets louder and louder as I run in its direction.  And then, nothing.  All I hear now is the sound of my feet hitting the ground and I stop.  Still I see nothing, still it is cold, still I am uncomfortable. I am alone aren’t I? So I sit, and I wait for the echoes to return.  They never do…

I awake to piercing light. My eyes can hardly handle the intensity of what surrounds me.  I feel engulfed in the light, in the brightness, unable to be separate from it.  Everywhere I look, barely opening my eyes, is light; only brightness. With this light there is a warmth; no, a burning.  Not the kind that causes physical damage but one that compels me to respond.  In this light I cannot lay dormant, I cannot help but react as it surrounds me.  I am at peace, and in perfect harmony.  Now I am standing, and dancing! Why am I dancing? I don’t dance! I can’t dance! And still, I am dancing.. uncontrollably! This light, this burning, has filled my heart with joy and I am unable to contain myself! Oh this is so embarassing! What if anyone sees me?! But these thoughts, these foolish thoughts, soon disappear and I am left dancing. Oh what a lightness that my step has found, my body it feels lighter than air and there is hardly any effort required.  It must be this light, this burning within, caused by the brilliance that surrounds in all directions! Oh I have never felt more alive in all my life! Who can I tell? Who can I bring into this light? So they too may dance!

So I’m not a fan of American football but I enjoy the SuperBowl Ads quite a bit… I came across this one which I found inspiring…

Interesting no? Good things to remember while going through life I think…and just ignore the fact that its a GMC commercial at the end :)Also, E-trade’s are absolutely hilarious!

Lord my delight is found in You
     and in Your greatness I rejoice!

Your love overwhelms me
     and Your closeness surrounds me.

Though the stresses of life do come,
     and the assignments do not cease,
          in You I will find my rest.
                              -Selah

For even if I lose all my soccer games,
     Your love for me does not change!

Praise be to God!
     Maker of Heaven and Earth!

What love is this, that I cannot escape?
     That you will find me wherever I am!

In You I place my trust,
     and in the Lord my hope is found.

I am found weak and inadequate,
     but You oh Lord are strong,
          and more than enough!

Praise be to God!
     Maker of Heaven and Earth!
                                        -Selah

wow I really haven’t updated in awhile, where does the time go?  The last few months for me have been…educational.  My first semester of bible college left me with a desire for more.  I had forgotten what it was like being in a classroom learning what you really want to learn about, it was a refreshing experience.  My thirst for knowledge has increased as a result and over the Christmas break I was flooded with reading material.  Books of all kinds were given to me this past season and I am anxious to read them all.  From Foreign Policy to Mother Teresa to Theologians to Marketing and Entrepreneurship.  A wide range of topics that I am interested in and books are the portal to knowing each of them.  Albeit self-inflicted I do feel somewhat overwhelmed with the amount of information waiting my perusal and soaking in.  In addition to the 13 or so books that I got for my birthday/Christmas I have 7 more for the school year as well as 5 more I just took out from our school library (I’m not sure why I did this last part).  It’s a lot of material but I want to read and know it all.  I want this knowledge and am excited to read each of these books to gain said-knowledge.  But for what reason do I want to know all of these things?  Do I simply want to be more knowledgeable for conversations sake? or will these topics somehow increase my ’standard of living’ in the way that I see and interact with the world?  Information for information’s sake is not what I need, nor desire.  I want to know and understand the world that I live in and how it affects myself as well as those around me.  Each of these books I believe will increase my understanding of the world I live in and specifically my interaction with it.  I want to be more effective, not only as a Christian, but as a human being in this world of ours.  I don’t want to stay ignorant of the many events and discussions surrounding me on a daily basis but want to contribute and add to them as much as I can.  I desire godly wisdom and although that begins with the Fear of the Lord I know also that wisdom is the proper use of knowledge.  So I need knowledge if I want wisdom right?  Gaining knowledge to be later transformed into the proper use of that knowledge.  I love to learn, and if I can use that to be of service to others and this world in some small way then that would be great.  Until that point I will just continue to read.

I wish I wasn’t because then I would probably be more productive with my homework and be able to focus properly on thinking.  I could give more of myself to ministry that I want to do with homeless people, and hang out with friends more and perhaps even meet more people.  This all takes energy.  Perhaps the only thing I am really energetic at right now is my soccer.  During practice I give it my all and during games I give it my all.  I think this helps me to take my mind off of everything else because its all I think about for those few hours a week.  It is a nice break mentally but perhaps not physically.  I guess many people are tired around this time with it getting close to the end of the year here but I feel like I shouldn’t be tired.  I feel like I should be full of energy and ready to do so many things, but I’m just not.  I fall asleep during the day all the time now, when I go home that is.  I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just that I haven’t been eating right with all my physical training for soccer; maybe its the mental tiredness students feel from a semesters worth of work, I haven’t really been in this situation for a number of years so that could be.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I tried going to bed early the last couple of days but I couldn’t fall asleep!  I hate it.  I try to inject caffeine into my system with coffee or coke but that doesn’t really help much these days.  I don’t know.  It’s frustrating because my spirit is willing, but my body and mind are weak.. this is how I truly feel.  I don’t want to just write off these next few weeks of school left so I will keep on keeping on but it is getting harder to do.  I guess I need a break, but I can’t really take one now.. there is just so much to do with school and life.  Lord give me strength!